A note on sleep

I arrived home from work around 530pm, dropped my stuff on the floor and immediately went to say hello to the two women in my life. Big M on the couch smiled and said, “Look who it is!” Little m on the floor looked over at me and her face lit up, those two dimples forming in her cheeks, eyes bright. She seemed genuinely happy to see me. “Oh, now you’re in a good mood,” big M said to her.

I spent twenty minutes or so playing with her and then it’s time for a bath, which is the best time of day for both of us. The little one gets naked and get wet (who doesn’t love that combination?) and daddy gets to dry and clothe her while she’s in a great and playful mood. Afterwards, we spend a little more time together, her in my arms or playing on her activity mat, and then she gets her bottle. Then it’s off to bed and story time.

During this entire nightly routine I struggle to keep myself awake. While she’s in my arms feeding or just playing, my eyes fall closed with a thud and I struggle to stay awake. It’s not a lack of sleep so much as a change in schedule and a change in the type of sleep. Every night I don’t find eight hours of deep, REM slumber. I get an hour, maybe two, of deep sleep. The rest of the time vie got one ear open listening for the telltale cry that means she’s awake needing a bottle or to be turned over or just a diaper change. By the time I wake in the morning I’ve spent half the night tossing, half imagining her cries, half actually getting out of bed when think I hear a scream. That’s why I’m falling asleep even as I write this.

I’ll continue to sleep early, continue to wake early, continue to have sleepless nights. As long as I get to lay my head down soon.